Shutdown extended until populace can be retrained to put on pants

PC: Bicanski on Pixnio

After a debate over lifting shutdown measures nearly resulted in a civil war, the two sides suddenly reached a surprising agreement to postpone opening businesses. The reason? A poll found that although many people wanted to go back to their previous employment and recreation habits, a heartbreaking 92% of them had lost the ability to groom and dress themselves after months in quarantine.

“I thought I was ready to leave the house,” lamented one respondent, who only agreed to be interviewed on condition of anonymity. “But I couldn’t even find my pants for several days. And after I finally dug them out of what appears to be a laundry room I had forgotten existed, I couldn’t remember what to do with them.”

Wiping a tear from his eye, he continued, “There is also this weird smell that I thought was from the dishes that I hadn’t done in several weeks, but when I stepped out of the kitchen, I realized the smell was coming from me.

“I remember there was some cleansing routine I used to use to get rid of the stench,” he finished dejectedly. “But I only have fuzzy memories of how I did it. I found something called toothpaste and rubbed it on myself, and that helped a little. But now it really burns, so I don’t think that can be right.”

Beauty and fashion YouTubers have agreed to produce some instructive videos to aid citizens in their grooming goals, but most sources say they doubt that people will be able to groom themselves unassisted for several months. 

“We plan to have a phased opening,” said one source. “But we can’t do much of anything until we at least get past the lesson on pants.”