CNN’s guest medical experts just completed the most scientific investigation to date on COVID-19 risk factors, and they found that, as expected, political views were the primary factor in determining both susceptibility and contagiousness.
“We don’t want to tell you what to do,” said qualified medical spokesperson Bill Nye, “but we feel obligated to inform viewers that if you vote or even think as a Republican, you are literally killing your grandma.”
He added as an afterthought, “Oh, and you’ll probably die too.”
Since the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak, CNN and other unbiased news organizations have postulated that wrong political leanings are the most common means of both spreading and contracting the virus. Alt-right sources such as Forbes and The Wall Street Journal floated wild theories about pre-existing conditions and old age, but the results of this most recent research have finally put the matter to rest.
“The science is settled,” stated Nye emphatically. “Republican votes, words, and thoughts have contributed to hundreds of thousands of deaths thus far, and they could prove our complete annihilation if we do not take drastic measures. Either refrain from voting and remain quarantined, or change your political views to more acceptable liberal ones.”
Nye, who is also an expert in linguistics, concluded, “If you remain Republican, you are literally Hitler.”