After several days of aerial and ground attacks, Goya CEO Bob Unanue and employees are still reported to be “miraculously” unharmed by the heavy wads of cash pelted at their head office.
Tweets by several political figures touched off riots outside Goya HQ earlier this week, after Unanue defied their orders by accepting an invitation to the White House. The demand for justice was swift and severe, as political leaders bravely took to social media to urge retribution.
Initially, their followers simply broke into Target stores and stole merchandise from uninvolved third parties, but their overseers quickly explained that this behavior did not technically affect Goya in any way.
“We are on the right track,” a representative for the Cancel Culture Task Force (CCTF) said encouragingly, “but maybe we could focus our efforts on specifically hurting our targeted company.” (Reportedly, the rioters heard the word “targeted” and began to head back to loot the Target stores, but the CCTF representative was able to corral them and move them safely to Goya.)
The ensuing days brought a vicious onslaught of artillery, including bills, coins, and cashier’s checks, but Unanue insists that he and his employees are “holding strong” and refusing to cave to mob pressure. He even went a step further by threatening to hire even more Hispanics and donate even more beans to charity, a move which many worry will result in even more violence.