Asked whether the Constitution of the United States should remain the law of the land or should be expunged, nearly half of citizens surveyed agreed that it should be abolished, while the remaining 53% replied, “the what?”
The respondents in favor of abolishment gave a wide range of reasons for their decision, from several complaints that “it looks pretty boring” to one observation that “it can’t be very important if I’ve never even seen it on Instagram.”
One particularly passionate abolitionist, a university senior majoring in Problematic History, explained, “I don’t see why a paper written by a bunch of white Americans in 1492 is even relevant today. All that stuff in the Constitution about four score years ago, like, that’s a really long time ago. And you know the Pilgrims forced Native Americans to write it, right? Educate yourself.”
The other 53% of respondents explained that they were unaware that any document delineating their rights even existed. (It should be noted that they were also unaware that delineated was a word, and they had to take a short break from answering questions to check their urban dictionary apps for a definition.)
“So there is like an actual list of citizen’s entitlements somewhere?” asked a fascinated political intern, looking over the Bill of Rights. “Do the politicians know this? Because all the laws my boss has written lately totally conflict with all this stuff.”
Several other people noted that they were also working on political campaigns, and they expressed excitement that they had this obscure knowledge to share with their candidates.
“I’ll bet I’ll get a raise or something for telling him about this,” gushed one intern. “I know he would never have said all the stuff he has in speeches if he knew it was against the law. He’s going to be so glad I pointed this out to him.”