Biden undergoes emergency surgery to dislodge foot from mouth

PC: Gage Skidmore on flickr

After numerous close calls during his seemingly endless political career, presidential nominee Joe Biden has been forced to undergo treatment for the chronic foot-in-mouth condition that has long plagued both him and his woefully underpaid press team. 

One advisor, who asked that she be kept anonymous (but mentioned that her resume is on LinkedIn, and she will work for “literally anybody else at this point”), described the agonizing decision to finally take the necessary drastic measures.

“We managed to wrangle his foot from his mouth after the ‘racial jungle’ and ‘maybe you ain’t black’ type of comments. You know, his everyday racist stuff. But after he claimed that the black community was a virtually monolithic group that lacked the diversity of the Latino community, we were unable to remove the foot without medical intervention. We had to have it forcibly removed and insist that his jaw be permanently wired shut to avoid any future mishaps.”

Biden is said to be resting comfortably after the procedure, and sources say the inability to open his mouth should not adversely affect his performance in the upcoming presidential debates.