Trump launches “impeachment coach” business; Cuomo reportedly first client

Freeport, N.Y., July 30, 2014—New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo held a news conference at the home of Daniel Ehrick (left) whose house was devastated by Hurricane Sandy to announce a new home elevation program. New York State will provide $300 million to elevate more than 6,000 Long Island homes that lie in the 100-year flood plain to prevent damage from future storms. K.C.Wilsey/FEMA

Petty nursing home residents are evidently attempting to have New York governor Andrew Cuomo impeached before he even has a fighting chance to kill the rest of them. The persecuted official has thus found himself in need of services in the obscure field of impeachment coaching, and due to the small number of qualified professionals, he has evidently found himself forced to ask for the services of rival Donald Trump.

According to the Worldwide Impeachment Negation Nonamateur Expert Rebuttalists (WINNERs), Trump is the only president in U.S. history to meet the strict standards for Certified Impeachment Coach (CIC, because not all acronyms have to be funny). 

“A top elected official must be acquitted at least two times in order to even sit for the exam, and Trump made it just in time to represent Cuomo,” explained an expert anonymous source (because if unnamed sources are good enough for every Washington Post story, they’re darned sure good enough for us). “Most politicians simply don’t have the experience necessary to qualify.”

Trump declined to comment on the veracity of the rumor, but he does confirm that his firm provides “the very best” services and that “nobody else is even close. They’re all idiots.” So it seems likely that Cuomo would seek out his help, and we are going to go ahead and fact-check this story as “true.”