After a frustrating losing streak at White House game night, President Joe Biden proudly announced today that he finally won his first round of progressive bingo.
For those who are unfamiliar with the latest craze in political circles, the game was described by a congressional participant (who inexplicably declined to be named as a source) as “just a more fun way for us to choose new policies.”
A fellow congressperson (who also wished to remain anonymous) explained further, “The interns just come up with the most random ideas for legislation they can imagine, and they write them on bingo boards. When someone wins, we just enact whatever laws they got in a row.”
Biden claimed his final victory with specialized maternity flight suits, but our sources revealed that some of the other winning new policies were vice taxes on cream-filled pastries, lowering the voting age to seven years, and stiff penalties for wearing flesh-colored leggings (with an obvious exception made for Walmart shoppers).