Psaki holds presser from bow of Titanic, reiterates that Biden “has everything under control”

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As water rose above her ankles and an orchestra played funeral hymns, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki placidly held her latest press conference and assured reporters that “things have never been better” in this country. 

She went on to explain to them that they weren’t really wet, that the ship turning vertically at a 90-degree angle was normal, and that there were adequate lifeboats for everybody.

A few clearly paranoid reporters began the conference by asking Psaki if it was true that the ship had hit an iceberg, to which she replied, “I’ll have to circle back to you on that.”

She added, “But be advised that the circling may take a rather long time, because all of the engines are flooded. Also, the propeller appears to be missing and is likely at the bottom of the ocean.”

As the orchestra (and the passengers’ screaming) grew louder, Psaki was finally forced to cut the conference short. But she did manage to first thank everyone there for coming and to remind them that anyone who was still alive tomorrow was welcome back for a follow-up report.