Shutdown extended until populace can be retrained to put on pants

After a debate over lifting shutdown measures nearly resulted in a civil war, the two sides suddenly reached a surprising agreement to...

Poll confirms those who disagree with you “want people to die”

As the debate rages over the ideal COVID-19 protocol, experts have been able to agree on only one point: anybody who has...

WHO now advises masks be worn over just right nostril and...

In what they emphasize is “really, for sure, the last time we are going to change our minds on this,” the World...

Lunatic Trump suggests injecting magical “antibiotics” to kill invisible “bacteria”

Hot on the heels of his bizarre proposal to inject virus-killing agents into virus-infected patients, President Donald Trump has moved on to...

CNN reveals Trump failed to prevent dinosaur extinction, other disasters

In yet another blunder in his lengthy list of missteps, President Donald Trump now stands accused of neglecting to avoid whatever catastrophe...

Joe Exotic’s lions’ den seized by FBI to imprison religious worshipers

After repeatedly refusing to worship only the benevolent and almighty State, patrons of drive-in religious services have been sentenced to the standard...

Christians disguise church as abortion clinic to attend Easter services in...

After being told a mere religious holiday “that could just wait until next year” clearly did not qualify as a time-sensitive event,...

Witness confirms Congress members cast no reflection in mirror

Immediately after Congress passed the recent “stimulus” bill to drain the American public dry (purportedly in a bizarre attempt to revive them),...

Trump recklessly encourages Lysol use; millions die after injecting it

In yet another foolhardy attempt to assume the role of medical expert, President Trump took the unauthorized initiative to advise citizens to...

Pelosi demands free pony and bouncy castle in stimulus bill

After many citizens lost both their patience and their homes waiting for Congress to agree on a COVID-19 stimulus bill, struggling Americans...