Encouraging study shows toilet paper jokes finally on the decline

After an exponential increase in irritating quips about toilet paper hoarding, experts say cases appear to have peaked, and the meme situation...

Emergency task force to rename all diseases CNN suddenly deems offensive

While more backward world citizens worry about physical suffering and death caused by rampant illness, advanced thinkers at CNN are working to...

Celebrities try to “imagine no possessions,” but really just can’t

In their ongoing efforts to be helpful to their peasant fans, wealthy celebrities took to social media to sing the beloved ditty...

Panic ensues as Ft. Knox vault rumored to be out of...

Despite decades of reassurance to the contrary by government officials, conspiracy theorists are again claiming that the luxury toilet paper reserve supposedly...

Christians complain Bible calamity calendar in wrong order

After collectively shelling out millions to televangelists for their own personalized Last Days Calamity Calendar, many Christians are expressing frustration that the...

Tlaib slams St. Patrick’s Day, Lent, and “especially” National Puppy Day

After President Donald Trump wished the world a happy St. Patrick’s Day, an indignant Rashida Tlaib appeared to lash out at not...

Biden unveils plan to kill coronavirus with seized AR-14s

Although his promise to ban all gun models other than the Nerf Mediocre Squirter prompted outrage from obsessive Constitutionalists, Joe Biden’s approval...

Brian Williams leaves MSNBC to become math teacher

MSNBC anchor Brian Willaims, affectionately known as “Lyin’ Brian,” has evidently told his last entertaining tale on the celebrated fiction network. And...

Warren fired from own campaign due to being “visibly pregnant”

In the latest attack on oft-victimized Elizabeth Warren, the Democratic National Committee (colloquially known as the Sanders Saboteurs) and her own campaign...

Bloomberg gives up grueling political career for effortless farm life

After decades in the trenches waging war against supersized sodas and even-more-supersized gun magazines (or “multi shell clip casings,” as they are...